The Seven Ires of Hernias

Remember Junior school reading logs? Being a good little nerd, I would always read more books than necessary and hand mine in on time. My evil genius brother on the other hand could not be stuffed. He decided to make up his own books and then review them. Evidently, this was before the proliferation of the Internet, hence there were no Sparknotes to copy or Google for teachers to check. 

There was a trick to it. You had to read some actual books or else it would be too obvious. The night before the log was due, my brother would sit at his tiny desk and fudge it his 10 year old mind's content. He got away with it every time. This is probably the most memorable title:

And so began my brother's career in forgery.

What's the most hilarious thing you've faked? 

Nursing home fun!

I've volunteered in 3 nursing homes. In a dementia ward, I remember one lady, the moment she woke in the morning, her mouth started babbling before her eyes had even opened. She used to be a principal of a well known school and now she couldn't even recognise her own daughter. The only time she ever stopped jabbering, was therapy hour when the music came on. These people who have all literally lost their minds seem to come out of their reveries to sing these slow somewhat calm songs like Daisy Bell or You Are My Sunshine.

It got me thinking, what would be played when I'm in a home? The music that defines my generation? God forbid mainstream pop. Imagine the Gen Xrs sitting around listening to bad boy bands "baby bye bye bye". The Spice Girls anyone? Even more hilarious the gen Ys and their "untz untz" music.

"Hey fellas it's music hour! First up, I Gotta Feeling!"

And all the seniors sit in their chairs sit bobbing their heads along, waving their sticks around wishing they were no longer alive to hear this crap.

Dear God if there is no Bowie, Buckley, Queen or Blondie in the home, I pray I never end up in it.

How to mortify a kindergarten teacher: drugs & sex

My junior school year was demented. Soiled pants, projectile vomit on the classroom door, explaining divorce, explaining God,  a kid's fathers dying of a brain aneurysm- all things the average primary school teacher can handle.

A four year old singing a song by a cross dressing glam rocker (likely composed whilst high), about an alien invasion, being high, or the second coming of Christ- Dick, we have a problem.

Mrs. Cannon: What do you mean? You must know a nursery rhyme! It's something that your parents sing to you or taught you to sing. There might even be actions to it. Like incy wincy spider.

Me: Ok. I think I know one.

Didn't know what time it was the lights were low…

There's a starman waiting in the sky

He'd like to come and meet us

But he thinks he'll blow our minds

Mrs. Cannon's head explodes off her shoulders and onto the keypad of a phone, where she proceeded to  dial my dad's number with her nose.

Alright I'll admit that isn't too bad and Mrs. Cannon was a conservative prune anyway. However, later on the same day, I don't think she was prepared for a five year old girl to declare during show and tell that her favourite TV shows were the X-files and Jerry Springer, then proceed to re-enact 'fish sex'.

Kaboom!

This is how we whore out our harbour

The 3D craze sucks. It makes me pay an exorbitant amount to wear a pair of plastic glasses and watch some crap movie ( i.e. Clash of the Titans), then I realise hey I don't even need the bloody glasses. Pretty much, I denied myself three burgers to watch someone go blurry in the background every five minutes on a big screen.

Enough ranting. 3D Vivid although not perfect is still pretty awesome and the best one so far.

What the plank?

I still don't get what the fuss is all about...

Cambodge- travel cliche snaps

Woman in the rice paddy with the bamboo hat, sparkling water of the white beach, street urchins vending their wares, huge eyes of brown children peering up at the lens: why can't we resist taking the photo that in no way represents the people or the country, and instead adhere to the stereotypes of middle class first worlders?

Because it's easy. People don't to want to regard what would only confound their world view. Life is effortless when it's one dimensional.

King of the lake

Beggar kids

Token tourist snap no.1

Token snap no. 2

Music is great...

Once upon a time when I was at work, eight year old twin boys walked in with their father singing:
 " I wanna be a freak tonight".

Oh.

God.


That is all...

My Beloved New Toy

I recently acquired an X1. Although I haven't had time to figure out the manual settings, the automatic still gives a picture your character. The lack of zoom function is immensely frustrating, as is the inability to take close ups, but otherwise, it's beautiful. Here are two of my first shots.

How everyone should feel when eating ice-cream

Greenhouse

I stood for 2 hours in the dark, behind a young couple with a 2 year old kid to dine at Greenhouse by Joost. To while the time away, we alternated between waiting in line and seeing who could get drunk the quickest off $16 dollar cocktails in jars from the rooftop bar.

When it was my turn to wait in line by myself, I struck up a conversation with the bloke in front of me. His kid was understandably going bonkers from hunger, running around in circles and dodging mum. I asked the man what TV shows kids watched these days.

Greenhouse by Joost

Dad: In the night garden. It's insane.

Me: What do you mean?

*Mum finally catches her kid*

Mum: (panting heavily) It's the ninky nonk!

Dad: She means it's crack for kids.

Back in my day, we had Playschool and The Trap Door. Even as a 4 year old kid, I thought Drutt making fart noises was weird, but current children's tv is a whole new dimension of whacked up. Take Yo Gabba Gabba for example.

After a particularly hard night clubbing, my mates and I found ourselves at someone's home. It was around 8am so we were either still inebriated or massively hung-over, but too pumped up to sleep. Someone turned on the TV and all we could see was a man in Orange surrounded by colourful monsters shaking and singing. It was like we were on drugs. We were mesmerised until a monster swallowed another whilst dancing. Let's just say, the contents of our intestines were almost more colourful than the show.  

What's the freakiest kid's show you've seen lately?

Another year, another Mardi Gras

As proven in my first post, last year's Mardi Gras was the best ever. Although many people did shed their clothes this year, it was due to their preferred social lubricant, not a certain Mr. Tunick. As I sauntered down Oxford St, I noticed this...

 Art curators are usually kooky, snobbish creatures that favour being separated from us plebs. This glass partition does the job perfectly whilst allowing her to exhibit her pirate shimmy. Partying in shops seemed to be quite a trend because then I found this guy

Look closer at the bottom left hand corner and you'll see that this is no art dealer, druid or extra from eyes wide shut. 

Yep he's from NAB, the only bank honest enough to name themselves after what they're really going to do with your money.

Aussie Aussie Aussie!

I have just finished a two month internship overseas. All I can say is, I am incredibly lucky to be an Australian citizen because:

- OT is paid or illegal

- sleep is permissible

- your superiors can only berate you in one language

- minimum wage is…minimum wage exists!

When I saw this: http://www.abc.net.au/pm/content/2004/s1247577.htm my head nearly rolled off. We Aussies can't appreciate how lucky we are. Technically, I was meant to get off work at 5:30. The reality was, the earliest I ever knocked off was 7 and that was only because I was sick. Let's not get into the times I did not even finish work, or when they hired a hotel room for me which I left untouched as I was stuck in the working office for 48 hours.

Enough of my complaining. I'm back in mother country and I've duly kissed the floor.