The Seven Ires of Hernias

Remember Junior school reading logs? Being a good little nerd, I would always read more books than necessary and hand mine in on time. My evil genius brother on the other hand could not be stuffed. He decided to make up his own books and then review them. Evidently, this was before the proliferation of the Internet, hence there were no Sparknotes to copy or Google for teachers to check. 

There was a trick to it. You had to read some actual books or else it would be too obvious. The night before the log was due, my brother would sit at his tiny desk and fudge it his 10 year old mind's content. He got away with it every time. This is probably the most memorable title:

And so began my brother's career in forgery.

What's the most hilarious thing you've faked? 

Nursing home fun!

I've volunteered in 3 nursing homes. In a dementia ward, I remember one lady, the moment she woke in the morning, her mouth started babbling before her eyes had even opened. She used to be a principal of a well known school and now she couldn't even recognise her own daughter. The only time she ever stopped jabbering, was therapy hour when the music came on. These people who have all literally lost their minds seem to come out of their reveries to sing these slow somewhat calm songs like Daisy Bell or You Are My Sunshine.

It got me thinking, what would be played when I'm in a home? The music that defines my generation? God forbid mainstream pop. Imagine the Gen Xrs sitting around listening to bad boy bands "baby bye bye bye". The Spice Girls anyone? Even more hilarious the gen Ys and their "untz untz" music.

"Hey fellas it's music hour! First up, I Gotta Feeling!"

And all the seniors sit in their chairs sit bobbing their heads along, waving their sticks around wishing they were no longer alive to hear this crap.

Dear God if there is no Bowie, Buckley, Queen or Blondie in the home, I pray I never end up in it.

How to mortify a kindergarten teacher: drugs & sex

My junior school year was demented. Soiled pants, projectile vomit on the classroom door, explaining divorce, explaining God,  a kid's fathers dying of a brain aneurysm- all things the average primary school teacher can handle.

A four year old singing a song by a cross dressing glam rocker (likely composed whilst high), about an alien invasion, being high, or the second coming of Christ- Dick, we have a problem.

Mrs. Cannon: What do you mean? You must know a nursery rhyme! It's something that your parents sing to you or taught you to sing. There might even be actions to it. Like incy wincy spider.

Me: Ok. I think I know one.

Didn't know what time it was the lights were low…

There's a starman waiting in the sky

He'd like to come and meet us

But he thinks he'll blow our minds

Mrs. Cannon's head explodes off her shoulders and onto the keypad of a phone, where she proceeded to  dial my dad's number with her nose.

Alright I'll admit that isn't too bad and Mrs. Cannon was a conservative prune anyway. However, later on the same day, I don't think she was prepared for a five year old girl to declare during show and tell that her favourite TV shows were the X-files and Jerry Springer, then proceed to re-enact 'fish sex'.

Kaboom!

This is how we whore out our harbour

The 3D craze sucks. It makes me pay an exorbitant amount to wear a pair of plastic glasses and watch some crap movie ( i.e. Clash of the Titans), then I realise hey I don't even need the bloody glasses. Pretty much, I denied myself three burgers to watch someone go blurry in the background every five minutes on a big screen.

Enough ranting. 3D Vivid although not perfect is still pretty awesome and the best one so far.

What the plank?

I still don't get what the fuss is all about...

Cambodge- travel cliche snaps

Woman in the rice paddy with the bamboo hat, sparkling water of the white beach, street urchins vending their wares, huge eyes of brown children peering up at the lens: why can't we resist taking the photo that in no way represents the people or the country, and instead adhere to the stereotypes of middle class first worlders?

Because it's easy. People don't to want to regard what would only confound their world view. Life is effortless when it's one dimensional.

King of the lake

Beggar kids

Token tourist snap no.1

Token snap no. 2

Music is great...

Once upon a time when I was at work, eight year old twin boys walked in with their father singing:
 " I wanna be a freak tonight".

Oh.

God.


That is all...